Sunday I was riding my bike in the 90° heat and needed a break for water and cooling. So I parked my bicycle and walked into the Chicago Botanic Gardens Science Center where I met a woman named Jan. I was feeling low energy that day and the ride was a way to lift my mood. Jan, who works at the garden, told me a powerful story of her two youngest adopted children. Her son and daughter were placed in a secret orphanage in China for children who were thought to be unadoptable, one child because she had a cleft palate and her son deformed fingers and toes. Most of the caretakers were decent people who treated the children well but several were cruel and sadistic. Daily canings over time would break her son’s fingers at least 12 times. Her daughter was told that at age 12 she would be turned out of the orphanage to become a prostitute. She resisted, fought back and denied she would ever live such a life. So as punishment caretakers made her sleep on the hard floor each night. Because Jan had two older international adoptees she and others were featured on Oprah and because of this publicity Jan was made aware of the two children living in China. These two abused children are today safely in the United States and in the safety of Jan’s caring family.

After hearing this story of courage and compassion, my own troubles melted away and I found myself feeling powerfully grateful for the relationship I had with my parents and the relationship I have with my wife and daughter. In a moment, even though the story was heart wrenching Jan had lifted my spirits in a moving, powerful way. I had been given what I needed at the time I needed it. (The meeting was mutual for I was able to refer Jan to medical treatment that would have been difficult for her to find on her own.)

I encourage you to seek what you need for your own growth, health, and joy, be open to experiences and chance meetings that may make a difference. Look for it and I assure you, it will come!

Sound familiar?

Bill has a dream and a vision that he will create joy and balance for himself and his people. He will grow his managers, teach them to be great leaders and help them reach their dreams. Yet each week the fire drills keep coming. Each bit of precious time is siphoned away to the urgent tasks and away from the important not urgent tasks so vital to fulfilling his dream.

Take a pile of sand, a pile of gravel and a couple of handfuls of rocks and put them all in a bucket. If you put the sand in first, then the gravel, you leave no room for the big rocks. But, if you put the big rocks in first and then the gravel, the sand will fill in all the gaps left and you can put much more in the bucket. Like filling the bucket, our big rocks, our important and not urgent tasks, have to be schedule and prioritized first.

So Bill decided to carve out three or more hours per week for the big rocks, the non-urgent tasks and efforts that help him reach his dreams. His first big rock – spend time developing and growing his people. Bill is well on his way to reaching his dream.

What are the big rocks in your life? Have you reserved time on your calendar for the important parts of you – your family, your health, your dream? Today’s action creates tomorrow’s future.

A couple weeks ago, I had the pleasure to work with a culturally diverse group of US and German employees from a large multinational European based company. We were reviewing the results of a wonderful tool called the Thomas Kilmann Inventory  (TKI) which uncovers conflict styles. Conflict in this case is defined as two or more people who have differing and unmet needs and must work together to resolve these needs. The tool categorizes conflict styles into five categories that lie within a two dimensional axis, one axis cooperation and the other assertiveness.

Ever since the book, Getting to Yes, was published, the win-win solution has taken a center position in US negotiation processes. When I defined the style called Collaboration which is a high cooperation, high assertive, win-win style, the Germans said that their language has no words for win-win solutions. In German culture, the best one can expect is a compromise that perhaps neither party is completely satisfied with called a guter Kompromiss. I was surprised to say the least. It never occurred to me that other cultures would not have words or even the concept of win-win. In fact, it was one of those ah ha! moments for the entire group.

There is an old saying that the map is not the territory. Our own maps are a representation of reality and an often incomplete ones at that. We are often unaware of the flaws and narrowness of our maps. We assume others believe as we do and think like we think. The more we discover, the more we know about our fellow world citizens that more we will adapt, compromise and perhaps create “win-win” solutions that change the world for the better.

This particular company sells its products through agencies (think manufacturer’s reps). So the VP began a pilot effort with several of these agencies to learn whether he could jumpstart sales. He began frequent in person visits to these groups and enthusiastically explained how the company had solved its challenging issues. Just so you know, this VP is very positive and visibly exciting. His efforts and his infectious enthusiasm and energy succeeded – year-to-year sales increased by 24% at the targeted agencies.

The VP dreams beyond resurrection for his company. He said, “I wish I could double this company’s revenue in five years”. When I heard the word wish I asked  him, “Do you just wish to or will you double revenue in five years?” He chuckled a bit and said, “When you put it that way, I will double revenue in five years”. Since he has done it, he already knows how to increase sales at a 24% growth, a rate that will double revenue in less than three years. He simply needs to teach others how to grow too!

What you pay attention to grows. What you conceive of becomes reality. A wish is something that needs to be recast as a commitment. I will either reach my dream or I won’t – it’s a yes/no question, a decision, a commitment and above all, a choice.

Actually, a group of psychologists, which is called a gaggle I think, figured out that people decide whether they are right or wrong along a continuum (which is a fancy name for line and a name highly prized by psychologists since it is used so often). On the left side of the line (no references to politics) are those who know they are correct about most anything. They KNOW they are right because of their intelligence, personality, experience, charm and good looks. This is called INTERNAL ATTRIBUTION, which is another one of those big words, which means you know what you know and you KNOW it. People who think like this don’t know they are wrong even when they are which of course can get them into trouble particularly with husbands, wives and teenage children. If they’re right, they can take an organization to new heights. If wrong, they can take the company down. Get the picture?

On the right side of the line is EXTERNAL ATTRIBUTION these are the people who know they are right or wrong only when someone tells them. They wait for others to comment or give nods, winks, or other approvals. They want and need a sign (like –  good job, New Jersey turnpike next right). They want to be liked and will do stuff to gain approval even if it means compromising their own beliefs.

Here’s a summary:

All right now that we have summarized several psychology books in 3 paragraphs and a not so pretty chart and insulted a whole field of study what does this mean?

In my work with executives and leaders, I have found that the best are somewhere in the middle of the continuum having characteristics of internal as well as external attributions. They are forceful having good ideas but seek wise counsel (as opposed to wise guy counsel) to help them understand what gets in their way of influence and success.

So…. What do you do?

WWFM (What works for Me). My business partner tends to be on the internal attribution side which gets him in trouble with clients some times. I tend to be more external which keeps me from being more successful. We’ve agreed to help each other by pointing out when we act in our extreme areas. Signs, symbols, single digit fingers and hammers work well. He has agreed to ask me if I am taking a position just to be liked and I agreed to tell him when I think he is uncompromising.

Move to the middle. Here is some great advice I received from a friend:

• Be confident in what you know and be unafraid to speak your mind.
• Know what you don’t know – don’t pretend to know (Others can smell fear). Seek advice to help you understand.
• Above all be a seeker of knowledge particularly when you suspect you don’t know that you don’t know. Like bad breath, many times everyone else knows we have our challenges and when asked will tell us. So seek feedback, seek trusted mentors and coaches who can be fully honest with you.

Unfortunately, there are a few minuses. “Unappreciative” employees complain that they’re not trusted or valued enough to work on their owm. Most of us hope we’re hired because of our capabilities and there is nothing like having someone breathing over our shoulders calling every move.

Well if you have the following symptoms, you might just be a micromanager:

• Like to know what employees are doing hourly
• Constantly giving “great” advice on the task you just delegated
• Make regular calls to employees asking “How you coming on the project” even though you gave the assignment that morning.
• Get sweaty palms and a deep dread welling up from within when you do delegate tasks to direct reports.
• Not willing to give up your close management style because, by golly, it works

I can’t blame you. Don’t give up your micromanagement just do it even better and here’s how.

1. Spell it out. When you delegate a task, tell your direct reports exactly how you know they will be successful. I don’t mean telling them to do a good job, I mean knock down, drag out measurement that assures you both that the finish line has been crossed. Remember that success criteria isn’t like art, “I know it when I see it”. If you can’t measure it, you haven’t figured out how you know your employee will be successful.
2. Set a deadline preferably in Grenich Mean Time so you don’t have any misunderstandings on the date, time and place for the balance due. “Your report is due at 11:00 A.M. Grenich Mean Time to my secretary on August 28, 20__.” Well, you get the idea. Just kidding about the Grenich Mean Time but a time zone does help. Put it in writing and put it on YOUR calendar for follow up.
3. What happens if your deadline is missed? My manager at IBM would check his daily calendar and if a report was due at 4PM, you could just about set your watch at 4:01 because you would get a call. If you did miss, he would write a note: “one missed report on mm/dd/yy” and somehow that miss would appear on performance appraisals, which affected how much money people made. Funny how that motivated folks.
4. Explain why the task is important to you (besides wanting it done and not wanting to do it yourself), to the employee, and to your company. You can mention your dog if that helps. Folks love to know what’s in it for them and why what they do is important.
5. Sometimes, you have a lot of worries about handing off a task  hoping it gets done by the deadline. I mean, that’s why we micromanage in the first place – we worry whether it will get done. So… set several milestones that have deadlines and success criteria just like the deadline for the entire task. Just don’t get carried away with a milestone every hour otherwise you’re right back where you started.
6. We sometimes get frustrated and that’s part of being human. Remember this and you’ll be fine: we are in our management jobs to make everyone successful. A good friend used to ask executives this great question, “How much of your salary is set aside to let your employees fail?” Stops ‘em dead in their tracks every time.

Perfect micromanagement: It all works like magic!

So what is this mean? Let’s say you want to be more positive with others. For example, instead of saying “if you don’t sell more and work harder, you’re going to miss quota”, you might want to be more positive saying something like this, “when you work harder and sell more, you’re going to exceed your quota”. I find in my coaching practice that when individuals become aware of how to speak more positively, they pick up on it immediately. Practicing positive language every day, for example, for 21 days will change the habit. Those around them often comment that the person seems happier and more focused.

What works for me. I like to identify something I want to change and then work on it for about 30 days. After that, it is habit. When I am focused on a task and somebody tells me something I need to remember, I often don’t because of my focus on that task. So I am changing the way I let people know that I may not remember what they tell me or I stop and literally write down what I need to remember.

One of the most interesting differences between the two groups was that money was more of a motivator for the average performers than experts. In my work with expert performers, I found that salespeople who pursue money alone are like a gardener who expects to harvest vegetables without planting seeds. The average performer chases less than promising leads without creating a focused plan of attack to grow the whole territory. They become scattered and unfocused. They may have a few wins while the high performers win big.

When compared to the average performer, high performers are superior architects beginning each year with a plan to win business and an understanding where this business will come from. Average performers instead react to easy and obvious opportunities rather than execute a detailed plan to uncover new business.

Bottom line: Discover where your sales will come from for the year. Dig deep into your competition fully understanding all the features of their service or product and prepare yourself to sell against those features and product. Know how your competition sells. Realize that you may have to plant a lot of seeds before you harvest. Win big!

Instead of a fixed mindset, every one of the hundreds of expert performers I have interviewed has a growth mindset and craves learning, feedback and the chance to improve. They hunger for the opportunity to make mistakes so that they can learn and grow their skills. They want feedback and interestingly are never diminished by criticism which instead sparks their desire to improve and work harder. The singers I sang with who were successful (several of John VanCura’s students have major opera careers) studied for hours honing their technique, memorizing librettos, and learning new languages.

So, how do you become an expert performer in any field? First and foremost: practice, practice, practice! And practice under the eyes of master teachers, critics, and those who will push you to higher levels. Open yourself up to feedback knowing that as you take chances, you grow your capabilities and your expertise.